confessions, ethics, love, mydiary

Self-Sacrifice is a Stupid Idea

Why would I think that? I mean everyone says it is the greatest form of love. So do I mean that loving so greatly is Stupid?

Nope, Far from it. I instead think that the interpretation of great love is seen as something worth sympathy and not inspiration. That is why it sounds stupid to me. I would instead use a phrase like a leap of love, or a word like transcendental.

Not self-sacrifice. No one thinks of a great person with a resilient state of mind as self-sacrificial. They imagine a skinny person who couldn’t do much else. The great person is called courageous. That is a good word to describe someone who loves greatly.

So before we move on, let’s first understand what loving greatly means, I have already explained what it means to love, this time I will speak of the love that we read about. We don’t read about a regular story, we read about the ones that will inspire us to want more.

So let’s jump right to it. When you love something so much that you are intrigued by their every emotion – when you are obsessed by their every movement – when you can find beauty in their blemish -when you are able to forgive them for their mistakes and when you are able to love them more than yourself.

We as humans realise that we have come to this world alone. Try as you might, you won’t be able to keep anything constant. The people will change, your emotions for them will change, your environment may change, your ideologies may change and so on. The only constant of our situation as a human soul is ourself.

So love doesn’t only mean that it has to pass the test of time. When you love greatly it automatically does. This is why only some people can do it so well. And even so, time almost always challenged them.

So what do these guys do differently?

Now this question is only for those who need that kind of love, if you are happy with how much you have, I suggest you switch to another one of my posts.

For the ones who remained, let me share with you what I observed in their behaviour.

They were able to write poems about their object of love, they confessed to being obsessed with them, they also killed themselves to unite in another world.

What did they find in the other person though? And how could both of them find it in each other?

The phrase one-sided love comes to mind with that last thought. Oh, how I have suffered the misery of the one-sided love and how I have also been the perpetrator of this crime.

I did love Gentle Reader, I loved with all my heart. And I have been loved, I dare say, more than I could myself.

It felt great to love like that, it also hurt like I was informed. But just the opportunity of meeting someone who could evoke such magnificent emotions in me convinced me to accept that condition of love.

Shakespeare was right, it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.

I had become suicidal too, but my better judgment took over and reminded me of the other loves of my life. The world I have yet to see, the dreams I have yet to concoct, the ideas I am yet to establish and my soul that has yet to live.

Yes, Gentle Reader, I do live completely for myself. I have just begun the outward journey and I have yet to find my love. I have yet to experience that complete devotion from both sides, that utter and complete madness of emotions that overpowers your very soul.

I am still learning about it, and as I apply it, I see it work. To love is an action, and any action when done with devotion and sense achieves a result that transcends any worldly pleasure.

To love is to become other-worldly.

When I read this, I thought of a man in a drunken stupor uttering these words as his last.

How wrong was I?

I have seen this love live, I have seen it around me, not just in books. I tried to understand what they were doing and realised that they are really smart.

These people had gone about their relationship in a highly systematic way. They treated every argument as a serious one and had established rules for the fight. They didn’t callously treat the object of their unhappiness, they sat down and spoke about their understanding of the problem.

We have learnt that nothing in the world is a total reality. We speak in perspectives – scientifically speaking, historically speaking, politically speaking, religiously speaking, etc. These are just arguments, we live in a world of contradictions and these are a few of those contradictions.

What the smart do is, they set rules for this debate. No injury, no countering a valid argument on the basis of feelings (what’s wrong is wrong, no excuse will absolve it), logic will take over emotion, and no score keeping – total Forgiveness.

Sounds extremely easy right? It is… all it requires is patience. But we give up, or at least most of us do. We live in an era of Instant Gratification. If people can’t do what the machines do quickly, then there is something wrong with people.

We are expecting people to be programmed in the same way as Siri. But even she is feisty sometimes.

A study said that most people give up after their first try, 95% of the people don’t show up on the second day of climbing a mountain, simply because their first attempt was shit. But when have we ever done anything well on the first try?

So why not try again, not with a whole different person but the same one who is the object of your love?

It was something about them that invited you in their arms right? So what changed now? Did you expect them to be like Siri? to just understand what you want in the few words you speak and give you a myriad of options to choose from? Is that your dissatisfaction?

Yes, Sir, it is, or it was. I am guilty as charged. I did do all those things and more. I expected my husband to read my face and know that I was sad. If he was unable to, it made me sadder. I expected him to guess my desires and magically start to do those things for me. I expected him to make me happy and held him responsible for not trying hard enough.

When I started to distract myself in my books, I realised how wrong I was. I needed to understand that though human beings are a superior animal, they too require some computing in order to understand a few new things. I was indeed a new person in his life, not only are we different by colour, but we are different as individuals. I am a thinker, he is a doer, I am a reader, he is an athlete. I am indoorsy, he is outdoorsy.

He had a totally different set of experiences than mine, that was the very reason I married him. So why did I expect him to know me intuitively? Don’t we have to put a lot of information in a computer for it to become intuitive? Then why did I imagine that my husband will just know me out of nothing?

This is where I started to see the sense in those love stories. In order for me to be understood, I need to do what they did, write poems, make gifts, describe to him how wonderful I think he is, which exact quirks of his are my favourite, so on and so forth. The more information I will give him of my feelings, the more he will respond to me.

One-sided love, according to me, is a mere misunderstanding, not of the spoken words but of the unspoken ones.

Hence, if I forgive my husband for what he did, it is not self-sacrifice, it is an acknowledgement of this misunderstanding. Yes, he will know he was wrong, but will I stop loving him? Does anyone remember this vow ‘In Sickness and in Health’?

I understand it as: if my husband errs because of a misunderstanding and admits his fault, then he is a little bit sick. I will forgive him and he, in turn, will work toward getting better. If either of us fails to uphold this vow – if I don’t forgive and he doesn’t improve then what follows is what we call a divorce or a break-up.

And it should, it exists because it has value. If either party becomes lazy in their promises. Then get the fuck out of there. This is where the term is badly used! Self- Sacrifice! It is senseless. Why would you put yourself through something that requires just a bit of logic and enthusiasm? If they just don’t admit their fault then that is more than just a misunderstanding.

Address it calmly and if you still see no changes, then my love, get out of there.

All of this applies to yourself first, judging our actions are more important than theirs. You really can’t clap with one hand, so evaluate if you could change yourself for the better too.

Loving greatly is when you transcend your happiness and experience someone else’s, similarly, you are able to experience their sorrow just as greatly, but when you no longer experience this madness, this obsession, you have either a promise to uphold or a situation to escape.

And either of the options is good, so long as you have carefully evaluated them against the facts and not your perspective of the truth.

And this love when extends to everyone, and I mean to every single thing in our universe is when we evolve as transcendental beings. Neither was Buddha self-sacrificial, neither was Gandhi. They did it out of sheer love and devotion. They were extremely happy people too because love is the beginning of every happy emotion and it propels you to do other-worldly things.

Love is a drug, a drug more powerful than any we can concoct.




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